Baseball bats and crocodiles

Imagine you have someone following you around with a baseball bat, and they periodically whack you with it. You don't know when they will hit you, how many times they will hit you, or how hard they will hit you, but you know that they will. They are always following, sometimes delivering multiple blows, and sometimes they just shadow you quietly for a little while. How would you feel?

The normal human reaction would be a flood of adrenaline through their body, sending them into fight or flight mode. And if someone is following you around with that baseball bat, you will constantly be on alert, constantly ready to fight or flee. Imagine being in that adrenaline-induced hyper-aware state 24/7, 365.

When someone asks me what my condition feels like, that is how I describe it. I believe that it is nearly impossible to understand what it truly feels like if someone has not experienced it, and I also believe that many who mocked me in the past would not last a day in my shoes. Despite the fact that many of us struggle through our days, with our sensitivities and possible ridicule, I remind myself that it takes incredible strength of character for us to simply go about our daily business. I had to find that strength within myself under layers of depression, but it was there, and has given me the will to get out of bed in the morning and make a difference in my own life.

Quick overview: sensitivities can affect all five senses, as well as proprioception and the vestibular system. Sensitivities can range from mildly irritating to debilitating. Each person is different.

I am extremely sensory defensive, mainly auditory and tactile, with some visual and minor food issues.

Sniffing, coughing, chewing crunchy food, gum popping, the faint buzzing of the fridge, and the clicking of my ceiling fan are a few of my auditory sensitivities. I cringe at loud noises, and have an aversion to small children, due to their tendency to make loud noises. I often joke that I'm haunted by the crocodile that ate my hand, because I can't stand ticking clocks (and I love Peter Pan). I often request a specific table at a restaurant, as far away from others as possible, and I like having my back to the wall, so nothing can surprise me from behind.

I cut all the tags out of all of my clothing. I only wear cotton, linen, and rayon. Cotton blends with stretch are fine, and I will occasionally buy cotton/poly blends, but I avoid polyester on principle, but not because it bothers me; I'm a seamstress. I avoid wool like the plague. I have cut collars out of basic crewneck tshirts because I felt like they were choking me, and for the same reason, I never wear turtlenecks. It generally takes me 10 minutes to get settled properly on the couch; I have to arrange my clothes so that no seams bother me, and half the time I move ever so slightly and have to start over. When I am at home, I wear pajamas, all the time. Soft cotton pants from Gap, a pullover shelf bra, and a soft tshirt or tank top is my daily uniform. I do wear jeans and underwire when I leave the house, but they bother me after a few hours. I sleep naked because the seams of my pajamas drive me nuts, and I would constantly be rearranging them, and therefore get no sleep. I sometimes have to stop to rearrange the seams of my socks in my shoes.

Visually speaking, bright lights bother me, and I do wear my sunglasses more than most people. Repetitive movements drive me nuts. In particular, people tapping their feet, or bouncing their legs while seated, or twirling their hair around their finger will prompt me to move elsewhere, or place something in my line of vision, so I can't see it. As far as foods go, anything with a pudding-like texture makes me gag. Pudding, yogurt, jello, cottage cheese, etc, are all off the menu for me.

These are my sensitivities. How my condition affects me personally and many anecdotes about my own sensory situations will be revealed later on, as well as a bit about me as a person, because I am not my condition. I have an interesting life aside from my issues. But more on that later.